Boy, my life has changed a lot. And the person who I really want to be, is not the person I’ve been. And for the first time in a long time I’m actually trying to accept and be comfortable with this change. These last couple months I’ve gotten my Patreon and podcast in full swing. Things were scheduled, documented, recorded and release, and boy oh boy did that terrify me. But I did it, and honestly I've never worked harder in my entire life. And on top of all of this, I’ve been getting more and more work on other productions that have been extremely time consuming. Still working at the same intensity as I always have with personal things going on in my life, as well as my own projects and other productions, my schedule couldn't fit everything in a 1 inch by 1 inch box. My days started to fill up with things I had to do, and the things I tried to continue doing, like the things I’ve chosen I needed to change to “better myself”, quickly felt like punishments. The biggest issue is that time no longer waited for me, in fact it no longer cared about what I thought at all. These things I thought were important started to fall by the waist side which I wish I saw as a sign, but I didn’t. I realized “time” seemed to have to relocate itself in the hierarchy of my needs whether or not I tried to have a say. And you may think I’m just growing up, and I am. Thats change, experience through time is change. It’s simple, not hard to figure out and, obvious. But, thats when life makes you change through experience, to make you who you are. Well what about when you tell yourself you need to change? You SHOULD change. And that's the word I’d like to break down for a second.
Truly, I don’t know why I want to be something different, and this really means I may always long to be other than what I see, the tangible, physical component that I am. And for a long time the things I thought ishould change about me all affect that part of me. But, I really am done with trying to be someone that my brain thinks I should be. See the word “should” is the problem. Should is the opposition, it’s comparative and implies something is wrong and something is right. “Should” by its definition is to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions. It’s like a knife. By just saying it, it immediately is proving something is “wrong” and something better is “right”. But when seen through a distorted lens, who you are and who you could be becomes, “This is who you are but, you should be that”. I felt “change is inevitable in/with life so control that change. And make yourself who you should be”. But this is the first step, admittance. My father said something to me the other day and it’s true, “The first step is always the hardest”. Realizing this is wrong and this change is only natural when you’re in control of it, naturally. There’s a word called “Agency” that I recently learned and it’s been extremely helpful in my approach to living a better life(not a better me). And with agency, you have to take it. It's there, its lies waiting and will not just come to you. And It can also run out if neglected. Truly? I thought I was taking it, by trying to control everything I did and becoming diligent and disciplined. But really? That just resulted me in focusing in on the wrong reasons for improvement. Now, I’m just tired of doing the things I thought I had to do to become a better “me”, and I should just be “me” for a little bit. Let go of what I be better at, and accepting what Im good at and what I want to be great at. So I just stopped doing the these things on my calendar that were negatively affecting me, these outside comparisons and pressures. And this is why I was silent on social media for a bit, and it’s the best approach to control my life I’ve found yet.
When I was doing all this self reflection by writing my articles, posting on social media and “becoming better”, but I was digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. When I stop posting on instagram and writing, I thought people would forget about me, and to my shockingly horrified, yet refreshing surprise, no one said a damn thing. When I stop allocating so much effect and time into working out so hard, and instead focusing on my art and responsibilities in production, I thought I’d become unhealthy and sick and guess what? I did. Better yet, I l ready was. I was neglecting myself and what I truly needed and was. I was physically and emotionally malnourished. And this was thAT moment where I took to the realization of agency, like my skinny body took to food. “AGENCY”. Ahhhh, there it is. Look! I can control things and it makes me feel good? I can focus on the things I like and need, regardless of what I think I need and should like? Boy do I feel dumb.
So this “decided change”, like a forced change through life, came from and with experience. And what did I learn? Well nothing. But re-learned the things I’ve always loved, and I just started to accept and practice them. In a theory I just started doing things, which turned out to be the good things I needed and that inevitably stopped the negative things. And the hard part was that it was so easy! Well, the last step was… the first like 100 attempts, the starving, letdowns and failures were really hard and that sucks and sucked. Sorry kid thats just how it goes though. So where did I go for that time away from social media? I went outside. I went hiking, I went walking, I went to work. I bettered the “me” by applying what “I” like, not what I think I should like. In life I believe there are things you could and I would change, but there are things you can’t change. And I believe at this point in life, the “me” that makes you who you are on the inside is not to be tampered with. You can change the negative things that are affecting the “you” through your involvement in your surrounding, but by only knowing who that internal person is. And by focusing on those essentials will tell you what those environmental negativities are. My secret? Go outside. :)