Over the past 2 weeks I wrote about certain passion projects, and the importance of a production crew. This week will be a continuation on that topic but with a concentration on a particular project that has more of my blood, sweat, and tears than any other production. A couple weeks ago I posted about a documentary I was working on with the City of New York for the first ever World Pride Parade hosted by NYC as it was celebrated on the anniversary of the riots at Stonewall, where I teased about having its own article and post saved for a later date. Having just recently wrapped production I think it’s time I tell this world about this documentary. Let’s start off with some questions. Can you list what the letters in “LGBTQ” mean? Or what the colors in the pride flag represent? What about the trans flag? What if I asked you about Stonewall? Now, I’m not asking these questions thinking you know all this, because 2 months ago I didn’t have any clue. I’m asking because when looking at all the years of work and effort done by the LGBTQ community, is the public any more knowledgeable? Am I any more knowledgeable? After coming out of this production 2 months smarter, 2 months stronger, and 2 months tougher, I’d like to dive deep into what I’ve learned from this community, and how they showed me what a being a part of community really means regardless of whatever you identify with.
We would often ask the subject we were interviewing, “What does Pride mean to you?” It seems like a simple, yet direct question. But what was amazing was hearing the different types of answers. Never were 2 answers the same, some stemmed from the same place, or seemed to have similar foundation, but it was so individualistic. We had some really key people interviewed in this doc and the whether the answer are from a openly gay public official with HIV, a seasoned Drag Queen, or just a young teen with a hopeful heart, the answers all varied. “Pride” meant so many different things all of them. In the beginning I was a little taken aback because there didn’t seem to be any real unity with this word, everyone had a different meaning and “Pride” seemed to be a bit of a blanket motto. But shoot after shoot, experiencing the history of this movement, the history of these individuals I came to really understand this word and what it could mean for someone. Standing there listening to these people, I had to flip the question and really ask myself, what does pride mean to me? Not as a gay man, but as an individual. I figured in essence, it starts with acceptance. And it’s true by what they say in death and addiction, that first step? Seemed to be the hardest. As someone who has struggled with this step with my mental health, I know all too well how difficult it is to appreciate and love who you are. And this is not at all me trying to say I know what this community has gone through, because for them? It wasn’t just an internal struggle. For some people it wasn’t just personally accepting themselves but from people accepting who they were. Historically its no secret that there has been a great opposition between the gay community and their paralleled modern societies. Today? Everyone on both sides would praise how far we’ve come. But there still seems to be hostility and opposition that without pointing a finger falls particularly strong on one side of the politician spectrum. And funny enough, these particular groups resemble each other. Their history is to protect their rights, and keep being vocal against things they believe are being taken away from them. I mean it goes down to the super political. They don’t like big government, they don’t want handouts, and although they don’t fear “change”, they have such a great culture and community that they want to keep it that way. In the beginning, I thought this was a great angle for our Doc to take. Help bridge the gap, by showing the connection through the similarities of both communities. Help by being a platform to share the stories, so others who oppose can see the resemblances and relate. In the end, I still believe the Doc does that, and as a civilian I still think it should be something talked about more. But again, looking back now that I'm a bit distant from it all, I realize I was still lacking what “Pride” meant. And that was really what we were trying to capture. Which made my job pretty hard, how can I truthfully and honestly represent “Pride” and teach its meaning on a global scale, if I can’t even do it on an individual scale? If I can’t even do it on a personal scale?
I guess I found the reason why I was struggling to understand what pride meant, was because I couldn’t make it past step one. How does someone accept themselves fully, or even begin to embrace accepting themselves if they cant even get past the liking who they are, let alone the thought of even loving yourself so much you project your image for people to see who you are. Some of the most beautiful moments where seeing how people portrayed how they saw themselves in their own extravagant fashion, future pun intended. I guess it could come off weird to someone, but when I see someone in drag I don’t see a man behind makeup. I saw someone who wants to project their soul, personality and identity regardless of what they lack from a viewer's eye. The fucking courage that takes a human to do that? Is truly something I’m “proud” to see as a bystander. It’s so easy to see someone be in drag and wish to have that strength, but what I didn’t realize is that was the final step in their acceptance. I got so caught up and focusing on my end goal, that I completely missed the most fundamental foundational step. I wish I had that courage, that understanding and accepting. I've been thinking and wishing I had that last step, that Pride step, that projection, but I didn’t even have the first step. I wanted people to see the image of what I thought was the real me. Next week, I’m going to post about my future and how it all has been part of my “process” of being my true self. But this documentary not only exposed me to so much, it exposed me. It broke me down, my self image, my needs and wants. I left my job for a new path in life and I’m not sure I still want that life after this experience. I used to see myself, and what I thought I should be, so I got my metaphorical makeup out and put it on. I got titles and positions I always dreamed of having, I made posts and plans, scheduled and prepped, but that was all done on an idea of a future “better me”. But I dont have makeup, or a dress, or an iota of that process these powerful women must have gone through. And that’s not something anyone can do for me or give me, but they taught me the lesson I needed to learn, I just have to put it in use. I have so much to learn about myself, and I have it all to thank from this community, and this experience. So many to thank. To my crew and everyone who I got to meet, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I know I’m a couple days late with this article but I really wanted to take my time and make sure I post about what I really I needed to say. Plus there were some things I had to run past a few people and although this isn’t everything I originally wanted to post about, this Doc is really important not just to me, so I feel the need to release this and I can’t push it back any further. I started writing this article about a month ago and where I’ve ended up now is vastly different than what I originally planned. Rewrite after rewrite I thought I had it, an idea about how amazing and awesome this experience was, because the bottom line, it truly was and I can’t express that enough. But, finding myself looking back and this production, and after having some time to sit with what I did and saw, I decided to scrap half of what I wrote and take a new path. Because through this new journey I’ve started for myself, I’ve strived for 1 thing. All I want to do is live a more genuine, truthfully fulfilled life. Like this article, I thought I had it. I thought I knew what that was, but that image I made for myself a couple months ago has changed, again. So if I were to talk about acceptance and what it means, and what it takes to accept yourself, I better be pretty damn accepting of myself. And, at the end of the day, I didn’t feel it. And my article lacked truth, and that’s one thing I can’t stand for. Not only did I need it, it needs to be. So if I want live this life, and be as honest or truthful as I need to be, I had some serious work to do. I seem to have history with this process of growth. I base my idea of what happiness means to me by how someone else sees it. And I copy how they embrace it and how they accept themselves. But it never works because it’s a manner that is so extremely idealistic and individualistic. This is their acceptance, this is how they portray their identity. If I want to be truthful and honest, I must find my own way of accepting myself and my own way of living that truth. In essence, I guess I’ve learned that the end goal can be the same, but the journey has to be uniquely my own.
So back to the question I had in the beginning, what do I want for this doc, or what do I want people to get out of this? By using the approach the LGBTQ community uses to love themselves, I’d like to teach people how to do the same and support each other, even if they don’t represent a specific community. I hope the common person sees how easy it can be done, by seeing how unbelievably amazing it is to be a part of a community where everyone accepts and loves themselves. Hopefully they can see the strength and beauty in this community because there is nothing to fear or hate about them, we should be so proud that all they want is inclusion and acceptance in our society, to be seen as a normal part like everyone else. So the question to me seems to not just be about pride, but what are you proud of in yourself? It’s not about what pride represents to them, but what is it about them that they represent as pride. Having “Pride” isn’t the end goal, it’s not a finish line, it’s the journey. “Pride” isn’t the identity of the community, the community is proud of the identities of who make it up. That’s why there are so many letters in LGBTQ+ because, it’s all about the individuals that make it up. All in all you control what you’re proud of, and you get the choice to be proud of something or not. I’ve never fully accepted things about myself, and I’m not proud of that but there is no end goal to this. There’s no commencement into this community, because you’re already apart of it because your on the path, so in essence “Pride” isn’t something you have, or are given, it’s just what you do.
So in a convoluted way, Pride isn’t something you just have, it’s what you do. So be proud in all you do, because that makes up who you are/what you have.
Now listen to this song and realize how awesome you fucking are, because “Hey! You’re part of it”
And go to this link if you want to read up more about the Humans Of Pride Documentary, please feel free to promote and support!